True Feelings (for yesterday and today)

Mood:

<-- Uncertain

Hi there ^^

Hey how are ya? aheheh X3

hmm... Yesterday, there's no internet connection so I haven't post something heheh sorry :P

hmm... What happened yesterday? It's quite complicated

You see, the other day I was sooo confused about my feelings for my knight

And I've been bad at him

I made his mood... uhm... sad?

(english grammar on the worse mood again eheh)

Becoz... I just can't decide on my feelings so I'm pushing him away from me

And I wasn't talking to him and all

Yesh I know I'm hurting myself that time

But that time I also think it's for the best

After school, he asked me to go to the library with him

but then I refuse and made excuses

After that, I went to the library after all

To photocopy some books for our report

I was hurrying coz I don't want him to see me

But when I went out the library, I was shocked to see him waiting

He was sad... And I didn't see him smile

So I have no other choice but to talk to him

And put on my fake smile

Yesh... that's what I always do...

To hide my feelings, I always put a fake smile

But then after that, I returned the books alone

Yes I was really hurt that time, and he's hurt either

I always think it's for the best

Becoz I know he is a really busy person

And I don't want to be a hindrance

But then I realized that, that's not the real reason

I've been faking my feelings

I always say lies to myself

the true reason is that, I want him to be always with me... ALWAYS

I want him to prioritize me more than anything and anyone else

But that's too much selfishness right?

I know it's a bad thing but,

that's what I really feel

And I don't want to fake my feelings anymore...

And yesterday he texted me saying he was sad

He noticed my intention

I said to myself that I will not reply to that message

But after a few self-assessment

I've been faking my feelings that it really hurts

I realize that, I am worried

I want to cheer him up

I want to understand

I want to convey my feelings

I don't want to lose such important person

And so that night then I say weird things to him

Telling him my true feelings

And we've been cherring each other becoz we will be reporting the other day

I feel so happy coz I feel like he is with me...

even though we're not together that time

And today... I was soo relieved to see him smiling again

Yesh... I really love seeing his smile

I really really like it...

Whenever he smiles, it's like I wanna smile too :)

ahaha! what a weird feeling XD

I am imagining it now... ahahah! :D

hmm... and then the reporting starts

I was the one who talked first

And thank goodness I passed the report! *phew

But the worst scenario happened

He wasn't able to pass the report

coz... coz of... he was really... I think nervous and he didn't answer the question on his report

I feel pity on him

Coz he really prepare for it...

And I saw his hard work

Yes I know he is a responsible person

And I know he can overcome it

But still I want to cheer him up that time

But I really lack the things to say

I don't know how to comfort someone

He always comfort me

I am always inspired with the things he say

I thought it was my turn that time

He was on his worst mood

But I... I can't... come to him

I want to but my lack of self confidence had became a barrier

I was too shy... too shy to come to him

ugh! I hate myself

I can't do things right!

I always worsen the mood of the important people around me

I tried to talked to him... many times

But I always fail

I can't get the words that I want to say

I really really really want to cheer him up... really!

He was always by my side

I want to be by his side too

I want to be, the closest person to him

But I can't do it!!

I hate it!
but after that, After our last subject for the day, I gained my confidence

I hold on to his shirt and grab him and take him to somewhere (at the back of our room)

And I apologized for what happened

I told him half my feelings... coz I was really shy!

And he said that he's fine

I was relieved

I just don't want him to get mad at me

And then after that, I just realized what I did

uwah! I feel so ashamed

Grabbing him on his shirt all of a sudden

and telling him things without looking at his eyes

I feel like a total weirdo

It's like I was a yankee O_O

It's a really wierd scene... It's not like a true apologizing scene after all

(it looks more like I was threatening him otl)

ee... I feel so strange!!!

But Marianne said that it's more like a scene from an anime

ahahah! that made me laugh lol

uwah... do you think... He got mad?

But I saw him laughing! ee... X3

yesh it's more like a comedy rather than a romance scene orz -_-...

Sigh... waaahhh!!! now I can't show my face to him

I'll blush and I think my nose will bleed O_O

ehehe... does he think I'm weird???
ee... But after what happened today... and after a few chats with Marianne

(about feelings and such)

I realized that... I'm starting to like him... more and more...

It's turning to an unusual feeling

like... more that LIKE...

I don't know...

w-what should I do???

ee... I don't know if I should let this feeling go... or let it stay

I'm still confused on what to do

But now I really know what I feel

I hope I'll not get hurt again...